i am not okay.

this would be a perfect time for me to die
so i'd like to take this opportunity to cry.




each day stanford seems less and less appealing.
if you asked me to choose today between going to my supposed "dream school" and staying with the someone i can see myself spending the rest of my life with
i honestly dont know what id say.
that worries me.
nothing should stand between me and my dreams.



but what if he is part of my dreams?

sighz.




everyone will know that im following him if i do go back east. and i wont be able to refute them.







though this is the least of my worries right now.
fuck aps.

life

freaking sucks.

why am i such a horrible person?

my boyfriend got into nyu

and i couldnt be freaking happier for him.




then why did i immediately start bawling after i got off the phone with him?

this is wonderful as loving goes

and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side

i was sittin, waitin, wishin

you believed in superstition, then maybe you'd see the signs
today was prime evidence of my masochistic tendencies.
how the freak did i get absolutely nothing done from 11 until 8.
theres too much going on in my head.
i want to sleep.
im so close to having an amazing life,
why do i effing screw it up for myself
):
ugh. this is my first year not doing something for lent.
i feel so guilty,
and then i feel even guiltier that i havent done anything to change that.
ughadfjlsd;jdfjghgdaf
its hard
balancing life.
i used to be depressed and struggling in school.
now i am happy and freaking drowning in school.
not good.
ive decided love will be much easier in the summer.

god. summer.
can you freaking hurry yo butt up.
and then last forever?
kthanksbai.

bahhhhhhhhhhh

i have been given such a privileged life and i dont appreciate it all.
i have never once had to suffer a major hardship.
and i am thankful.
but i wish i could take the burden off of some of the people i love who have been and are going through so much.
i just dont know what to do,
i feel so insensitive and bitchy when they come to me with their problems.
obviously i want to do everything i can to help.
but sometimes i dont think i cant do enough
and i hate that.
i hate feeling hopeless
i want everyone i love to know how much i love them through my actions, and to know that they can talk to me about ANYTHING you know?

stopping and thinking about how much some of my friends have been through, and how much harder they have had to work to get even further than me, makes me feel like a spoiled douche.

yet i constantly complain about my life,
why hasnt someone slapped me!?
my life is only hellish because i make it that way.

wow. isuck.

"i was broken

for a long time,

but

its

over

now"

♥rpattz

(: you dont know how long i have waited for that song to be true.

dear lord.

its been like what two weeks? since my last post.

its amazing how,

once you have the groundwork laid.

everything can change in an instance.

i think im happy now (:

my next goal is sleep.

but

with

all

secondsemestersenior friends,

that is unlikely to happen anytime soon.

oh i really want to excercise.

i feel. akjsfhsdkjfsdf

a run in the rain sounds pretty nice. maybz tomorrow.

i find it really amusing that almost all of my classes are talking about love/relationships.

if it werent for a certain sudden change of events.

i would be freaking depressed

im not gonna lie.

anyways. there is pride and prejudice to be read♥

listen? (:

broken she, has her arms twisted. pointing at me.

going

to

explode

again.

!!!!!!!!!

i already went for a drive today too.

i got up to 60 on wolftrail.

and was swerving.

accidentally T_T

i was trying to look at the lights while going on a curved road. didnt work so well.

anyways

everything is building up again.

i feel like a time bomb

each breath i take i can hear the ticking get faster.

i need.

me time.

reallllly badly.

and thats not going to happen anytime soon.

as excited as i am for the next couple days

i almost would rather

do nothing

watch tv

reread a good book

cuddle up in my green chair on my balcony

recline the chairs in the maxima and stare at the mediocre irvine stars

and think.

i desperately need to do the latter.

in the complete chaos that was my life the last few weeks

i have completely lost myself.

i dont know whats going on with everyone around me let alone myself.

things are changing and i cant keep up.

im tired of being confused all the time.

oh simplicity.

ive forgotten what you mean.

i keep thinking next semester is going to be better.

then i remember

unfortunatly unlike all my friends

im not a senior.

im going into second semester of junior year.

can someone just shoot me now?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(@#*$&)@&%$^*@$@)(#*$*)(#*()#$_

there are not enough expletives in the world for how i feel right now.

why life?

why?

why do you do this to me?

i give up.

surrender.

youwin.

my feet are terribly cold

sigh.

Originally uploaded by kellyhavens

i want to drive so badlyyyyy right now

adfgdfsdfjsdl;kfjsd

im so sick

of everything

EVERYTHING

i dont even know what did it, but somehow i got pushed into one of my funks again

and every little thing that happens/someone says to me just makes it worse

highschool is supposed to be fun carefree time

why is my life never like that

im so sick of caring

of thinking

of overanalyzing

and ketting my hopes up

and getting them shot back down

i'm DONE

except i know im not really ):

and thats what pisses me off even more

im a freaking masochist.

lksdjffffffffffffffffffff

i need to go sprint around in the dark.

or maybe take sme for a spin on wolf trail.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHASDAKSJDHASKD

there's something bout the way

the street looks when its just rained ♥

last night.

best solo run ever (:

honestly

it was one of those days where i felt like i could run forever if i wanted to.

my legs just kept going and going on their own.

plus the weather was perfect

it had just stopped raining, so the trail was still covered with a layer of wet (:

sparkling in the last rays of the descending sun.

oh lawl this is starting to sound like my sat report :P

but reallllly.

it was gorgeous.

i felt like i was running into the storm.

each step i took the faster the clouds approached and the darker i got.

and the trail was deserted.

so it was just me.

and my footprints formed in the saturated trail.

and the one old creepy old guy i saw walking backwards. T_T

aaaaanyways.

it was an unirvinian experience in a way.

the air still smelled like rain.

yet had a delicious smell too.

like a barbeque

but i dont really know who barbecues in the rain?

whoever does

i love.

but ahhhh

just the feel of the air

and the energy in the sky

honestly.

love♥

if it hadnt been for my mom who would be freaking out at home

i wouldve stayed till it was pitch black

but

hopefully im going for a midnightrun tonight :D

i want more experiences like that.

less time wasted cramped up in my little hole in the wall of a computer desk.

with cords wrapped around my feet and stacks of recycled paper and old books looming over my shoulder.

sigh. this spot equals death.

i want less time curled up with the rungs of the chair digging into my back. as my eyes bore holes in the depressing beige wall. and longingly stare out the tiny window that offers a spectacular foot by two foot view of a patch of sky and the roof of my neighbors house T_T.

sigh.

i cant wait till freedom.

♪♫ one day i'll flyyyy away, leave all this to yesterday, why live life from dream to dream? and dread the day when dreaming ends ♥

Windmill Sunrise

Windmill Sunrise
Originally uploaded by romainguy

there is nothing i love more than sky.
unless its silhouettes.

jump, then fall.

i wish i was better at blogging.

i feel like itd be a good outlet for my mindless babbling and insane emotions that spout up and drown me from time to time.

i just feel like i sound whiney or psycho when i write

and i dont know if i want the whole world reading it.

its a catch-22

not really

i just felt like saying that.

ive been meaning to read that book actually

sigh

so many books i planned on reading over then summer

i got through 2

T_T

i love

running.

and unexpected phone calls

and songs you forgot you loved.

well. euro awaits.

once upon a time

the guth family spent a dime (or two)
and sent elizabeth to harvard.
she hopped on a plane
went nearly to maine
in a direction they call starboard
she studied astronomey, darwin and freud
and met an afro boy shed rather avoid
she made many new friends
didnt want it to end
with mulder and scully she toyed.

how the hell can i remember a poem my sisters friends wrote on my driveway in chalk 6 years ago.
and not a 15 line poem in spanish

Britney Spears, horrible and weird, performed at the VMA's

blogspot hates me.
my shaking went down a few decibles.
one more article
then study euro.
and make sure my poem is memorized
and i didnt just spit out random words when i was having a caffine seizure
i want boba
someone came in the middle of math and gave a girl boba
i was going to cut her
me and daniel passed notes in math
alsdk;fjasdlfjaslkfjsldkfjlsdkfjlsdkfjsdkl