life

freaking sucks.

why am i such a horrible person?

my boyfriend got into nyu

and i couldnt be freaking happier for him.




then why did i immediately start bawling after i got off the phone with him?

this is wonderful as loving goes

and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side

i was sittin, waitin, wishin

you believed in superstition, then maybe you'd see the signs
today was prime evidence of my masochistic tendencies.
how the freak did i get absolutely nothing done from 11 until 8.
theres too much going on in my head.
i want to sleep.
im so close to having an amazing life,
why do i effing screw it up for myself
):
ugh. this is my first year not doing something for lent.
i feel so guilty,
and then i feel even guiltier that i havent done anything to change that.
ughadfjlsd;jdfjghgdaf
its hard
balancing life.
i used to be depressed and struggling in school.
now i am happy and freaking drowning in school.
not good.
ive decided love will be much easier in the summer.

god. summer.
can you freaking hurry yo butt up.
and then last forever?
kthanksbai.

bahhhhhhhhhhh

i have been given such a privileged life and i dont appreciate it all.
i have never once had to suffer a major hardship.
and i am thankful.
but i wish i could take the burden off of some of the people i love who have been and are going through so much.
i just dont know what to do,
i feel so insensitive and bitchy when they come to me with their problems.
obviously i want to do everything i can to help.
but sometimes i dont think i cant do enough
and i hate that.
i hate feeling hopeless
i want everyone i love to know how much i love them through my actions, and to know that they can talk to me about ANYTHING you know?

stopping and thinking about how much some of my friends have been through, and how much harder they have had to work to get even further than me, makes me feel like a spoiled douche.

yet i constantly complain about my life,
why hasnt someone slapped me!?
my life is only hellish because i make it that way.

wow. isuck.

"i was broken

for a long time,

but

its

over

now"

♥rpattz

(: you dont know how long i have waited for that song to be true.

dear lord.

its been like what two weeks? since my last post.

its amazing how,

once you have the groundwork laid.

everything can change in an instance.

i think im happy now (:

my next goal is sleep.

but

with

all

secondsemestersenior friends,

that is unlikely to happen anytime soon.

oh i really want to excercise.

i feel. akjsfhsdkjfsdf

a run in the rain sounds pretty nice. maybz tomorrow.

i find it really amusing that almost all of my classes are talking about love/relationships.

if it werent for a certain sudden change of events.

i would be freaking depressed

im not gonna lie.

anyways. there is pride and prejudice to be read♥

listen? (:

broken she, has her arms twisted. pointing at me.

going

to

explode

again.

!!!!!!!!!

i already went for a drive today too.

i got up to 60 on wolftrail.

and was swerving.

accidentally T_T

i was trying to look at the lights while going on a curved road. didnt work so well.

anyways

everything is building up again.

i feel like a time bomb

each breath i take i can hear the ticking get faster.

i need.

me time.

reallllly badly.

and thats not going to happen anytime soon.

as excited as i am for the next couple days

i almost would rather

do nothing

watch tv

reread a good book

cuddle up in my green chair on my balcony

recline the chairs in the maxima and stare at the mediocre irvine stars

and think.

i desperately need to do the latter.

in the complete chaos that was my life the last few weeks

i have completely lost myself.

i dont know whats going on with everyone around me let alone myself.

things are changing and i cant keep up.

im tired of being confused all the time.

oh simplicity.

ive forgotten what you mean.

i keep thinking next semester is going to be better.

then i remember

unfortunatly unlike all my friends

im not a senior.

im going into second semester of junior year.

can someone just shoot me now?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(@#*$&)@&%$^*@$@)(#*$*)(#*()#$_

there are not enough expletives in the world for how i feel right now.

why life?

why?

why do you do this to me?

i give up.

surrender.

youwin.

my feet are terribly cold

sigh.