i am not okay.

this would be a perfect time for me to die
so i'd like to take this opportunity to cry.




each day stanford seems less and less appealing.
if you asked me to choose today between going to my supposed "dream school" and staying with the someone i can see myself spending the rest of my life with
i honestly dont know what id say.
that worries me.
nothing should stand between me and my dreams.



but what if he is part of my dreams?

sighz.




everyone will know that im following him if i do go back east. and i wont be able to refute them.







though this is the least of my worries right now.
fuck aps.

life

freaking sucks.

why am i such a horrible person?

my boyfriend got into nyu

and i couldnt be freaking happier for him.




then why did i immediately start bawling after i got off the phone with him?

this is wonderful as loving goes

and being with you here makes me sane,
i fear i'll go crazy if you leave my side

i was sittin, waitin, wishin

you believed in superstition, then maybe you'd see the signs
today was prime evidence of my masochistic tendencies.
how the freak did i get absolutely nothing done from 11 until 8.
theres too much going on in my head.
i want to sleep.
im so close to having an amazing life,
why do i effing screw it up for myself
):
ugh. this is my first year not doing something for lent.
i feel so guilty,
and then i feel even guiltier that i havent done anything to change that.
ughadfjlsd;jdfjghgdaf
its hard
balancing life.
i used to be depressed and struggling in school.
now i am happy and freaking drowning in school.
not good.
ive decided love will be much easier in the summer.

god. summer.
can you freaking hurry yo butt up.
and then last forever?
kthanksbai.

bahhhhhhhhhhh

i have been given such a privileged life and i dont appreciate it all.
i have never once had to suffer a major hardship.
and i am thankful.
but i wish i could take the burden off of some of the people i love who have been and are going through so much.
i just dont know what to do,
i feel so insensitive and bitchy when they come to me with their problems.
obviously i want to do everything i can to help.
but sometimes i dont think i cant do enough
and i hate that.
i hate feeling hopeless
i want everyone i love to know how much i love them through my actions, and to know that they can talk to me about ANYTHING you know?

stopping and thinking about how much some of my friends have been through, and how much harder they have had to work to get even further than me, makes me feel like a spoiled douche.

yet i constantly complain about my life,
why hasnt someone slapped me!?
my life is only hellish because i make it that way.

wow. isuck.

"i was broken

for a long time,

but

its

over

now"

♥rpattz

(: you dont know how long i have waited for that song to be true.

dear lord.

its been like what two weeks? since my last post.

its amazing how,

once you have the groundwork laid.

everything can change in an instance.

i think im happy now (:

my next goal is sleep.

but

with

all

secondsemestersenior friends,

that is unlikely to happen anytime soon.

oh i really want to excercise.

i feel. akjsfhsdkjfsdf

a run in the rain sounds pretty nice. maybz tomorrow.

i find it really amusing that almost all of my classes are talking about love/relationships.

if it werent for a certain sudden change of events.

i would be freaking depressed

im not gonna lie.

anyways. there is pride and prejudice to be read♥

listen? (: